Three Words I Never Say

I need help.
    Uttering and even writing those three words makes me perspire. I just wiped a palm on my floral pajama pants. And I barely sweat when working out!
    Speaking of exercise, I remember one of the first times I met with my trainer. What started as physical therapy to strengthen my post-C section abs (or what was left of them!) has continued. One day, after a year of training with him, he shut off Def Leppard and scratched the back of his head.
     “Do you ever let anyone take care of you?” He asked as I finished the last set of biceps curls.
     “Can you please crank it back up? That was one of my favorite songs!” I huffed.
     “No. Answer my question first.” What a question. I reluctantly relinquished the dumbbells, slowly placing them back on the rack.
      Then I inched toward the bathroom. 
       “Uh-uh. Don’t even try…”
       “No one has ever asked me that before. I need to think about it.”

        When my kids were younger, I was part of a fabulous group comprised of intelligent, insightful women. During one of our meetings, a member touched my shoulder and whispered that she’d like to chat during a break. She asked why I never stop and receive. A powerful question I continue to contemplate.
 

“She asked why I never stop and receive.”
 

      It’s now twelve years later, and I have a reply. I’ve delved deeper into my own healing, still most comfortable being the giver rather than the receiver. There have been times that I’ve had no choice but to say, “I need help.”
     I am practicing. I am trying. But, heck, it hasn’t gotten much easier.
     Many people I know who’ve survived—in my case, I’ve decided, thrive—after abuse often have a tough time asking for and accepting help. (I wrote about this a few weeks ago–click here to read.)
      Sometimes I feel like a burden when I ask for help, as if I’m complaining because I know how blessed I am.
      And then one of my closest friends showed up with her whole heart. I didn’t say the three words. I did call her and shared about a situation that I could no longer carry solo. Even as I told her what was going on, and it’s not my story to share, I peppered the conversation with “I know you’ve got your hands full.”
      She interrupted the start of what would be a string of self-invalidating sentences. I could picture her face forming into that stoically supportive expression, her deep brown eyes squinting over her recently acquired reading glasses.
      “I am here. And will be the second you say come over. You know my phone is always on, right next to my bed.” I swear her words hugged me.

     Then I did something that may sound like no big deal. But for me, it was and it is.
     “You sure?”
      She didn’t even pause, as if anticipating my reply.
     “Yes.”
      The next night I texted my friend. She not only came over, but she’s also been reaching out every day.
     “No need to call back. Just thinking about you.”
      Is this a surprise? No. Not at all. I’m grateful that I have incredible, authentic friends. We’ve supported each other through deaths, sicknesses, life events, milestones, the whole gamet.
     Do I share the tough stuff with my inner circle? Hell yes.
     But this, as she immediately sensed, was a shift. Spot on, sister.
    Just like training at a gym, it takes practice to say those three words–I need help. At least for me.

Do you have a tough time asking for help?
How does it make you feel to receive?